Where my Liefjes?
Since I declared my love for Hunter two days ago (my last post was a post I started writing on the 26th (published) and finished on the 27th, to which I adapted the publication date), the Fangyist demons in the chat have taken measures to completely take over. They don’t want me to speak to the people I want to speak to. Instead, they say they represent the Dutch (as in the people of the Netherlands) and that I may speak to only them because of the curse of a nationality I have.
“Gladly, she was laughed at for (…).” “And now you must swear at her for (…)” “1, 2, 3 *wants everyone to say the same hurtful statement simultaneously*.” I did not know such telepathic evil was possible. The only way to shut these people up/off is by getting them assassinated. It is unbearable to hear. For that I depend on anyone but the Dutch, given that I can only depend on the Dutch for the sabotage of things that would otherwise be simple.
It’s also such a psychotic socialist Dutch conviction that my own thoughts must be dominated by Dutch public opinion on every thought I have and everything I do, which is nothing but hate towards me. Leave your public opinion for your fucking media broadcasts god dammit put my mind to rest. I just want to be able to peacefully enjoy my own thoughts again. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit?
“Why do you not say that you are a goddess?” my baby asked the other day. Born and raised in the Netherlands, I don’t know how to answer to that. Even when a drooling guy at a bar tells me that I’m a goddess, it’s hard to think of what the right reply is. “But then this is God, right?” I heard Hunter say one morning when I pretended to still be asleep, listening to the indirect lecture he was giving inside the chat. If I am God, then what the Dutch representatives inside the chat are doing is blasphemy. The whole psychiatry debacle in 2017 then as well.
I’m convinced that in any country but the Netherlands, people would be more inclined to use me for my oracle-like abilities than some programmable sex robot. “Here you have this person,” “How about this person,” the memory of the telepathic sex abuse they have put me through still hurts. Without these motherfuckers, I would also not know that “masocheren” is a verb people use. They have completely taken over and cheer on each other’s evil. Inside my god damn brain. They interrupt my thoughts. Without the assassination of them, my mental and physical suffering (that it is no externally inflicted pain does not mean that it does not hurt) will never end. They don’t know how to shut the fuck up or be reasonable. And they keep faking the voices of my liefjes. (And after I wrote that down they allowed my liefjes to fake the voices of them faking the voices of my liefjes (in the style of the past 31 days ye though now they’re getting back to normal again).)
Domestic Warfare Retirement Center
I like going on this serious tangent first, before I dive into a more kuddle and last subject for today. Owning an “empty” business brought so much performance pressure to my mind that I didn’t know it was there until I unsubscribed it. Feelings wise – when able to ignore the demons (but it’s better when they’re just not there) – it’s like I’m at the beach on the Bahamas (it’s still with other people there, but I love the British Colonial (and the deserted beaches)), when it comes to the mental pressure to perform. I now basically have nothing to introduce myself with anymore and it feels quite great.
I recommend everyone to free themselves from the mental constraints of the pressure to perform in the eyes of society. Life is a lot better when you don’t give a fvck. Demons now expect apologies and believe things will change, but that is far from true. Things that are perfectly logical to me do not change when my business ankle bracelet at the Dutch government does not exist anymore. There where I – just to paint an image – saw myself distant and always on the verge of collapsing from stress but it never actually happening, rushing myself through hallways in a “no time to talk” kind of manner with a bunch of people around me, I now carry out the same thing, but with a smile on my face and a piña colada in my hand, just appearing for people who want to see me and talk about stuff, more approachable.
In terms of how I want to feel, how I want to be seen and how I want to be treated, I am still Regentesse. But there where I used to want to accomplish things within that image through loopholes and dodging the police, now I suggest everyone get to my level. Though it’s all in my head that I used to feel that my business must make numbers just because of some chamber of commerce registration, I now feel like I’m retired.
Being retired doesn’t mean that I don’t want to accomplish things anymore. My vision for the planet has not changed at all. I now just want to carry it out with a figurative piña colada in my hand. My desire to have my own garden – just a small turf within the entire garden for hobby purposes – somewhere off the grid has increased. My desire to see the rest of the world carry out the subtle domestic warfare for individual sovereignty (and your eternal Fangyist retirement) has also increased (especially now with the demons).
My Council should really retire so we can piña colada ourselves through this. Join my Fangyist hobby club for retired people. But retired in such a way that the Dutch government does not apply a new ankle bracelet on you, if you know what I mean. Geen AOW, natuurlijk. Get to my level of parallellism. This is how the elite should operate. And of course (that’s one of the many reasons why I say “the rest of the world”) my ecological standpoint on the existence (or should-not-existence ha) of the Netherlands does not change. For my persistent mental torture, it is more ardent than ever. (En dat het internationaal strafhof daar zit maakt het ondiscutabel.) Writing is just a hobby. And so is watering the desert.
Speaking to Prosperity
Ever since I’ve been working on making The Side Mind a beacon of positivity, the experts are uncertain about what the right way of speaking to me is. The Side Mind gives a lot of bad advice because since 2017 I’ve been using it to prepare my heart for the emotional damage of the most painful counter arguments possible. (As in “brace yourselves”.) Before then, I used to use it to generate what I’d like to hear most preferably. Now, however, given the way things have been playing out for me on years on end, I live under the assumption that no one wants to give me responses that soothe my heart, which manifests itself in my present attitude towards social situations. Most people are out to sabotage my success/do not want to do good for me and the rest seems blinded by false convictions about me is what I see.
This form of emotional self defense comes with the – though I know if I were ever able to warm up to someone it is false – conviction that everyone I speak to is out to hurt me emotionally. So even when it’s someone who (I’m inclined to say allegedly) loves me dearly – mind you that I don’t have a social life so I never really warm up to anyone anymore – I’m inclined to think that his/her every response will be the opposite of what makes me happy. If they can hear me brace myself for something they would never do, then do not plead for me to be killed because then you’re not god damn helping. I can hear that shit.
The past 31 days people have been quarreling with the emotional self-defense mechanism inside my Side Mind, thinking it makes social predictions for them. Let’s say I telepathically ask person X, “May I soap you in someday?” Though in my heart I want to hear the most sexy and enthusiastic form of “Yes,” the Side Mind will formulate the most offensive ways in which I could hear “No,” to prevent my heart from being shattered unexpectedly. Person X, who believes he/she just telepathically hears my thoughts and doesn’t believe I can hear his/her telepathic response, wants to reply with an enthusiastic “Yes,” but reads the side mind as a social prediction of something that is not in his/her character, then thinks I have some type of “manufacturing error” and/or considers it a personal attack, and then says “Just shoot this bitch,” which I can hear, confirming the rightfully pessimistic workings of The Side Mind.
The past 30 minutes have been a nice mild example of the further workings of this and how that feeds my thoughts of suicide. For someone’s individual sanity, there is never a single circumstance under which it’s justified to with a group of people chant “toxic bitch” to someone telepathically. In person it’s also unjust but solvable with an AK-47. I have secluded myself from the telepathic chat, but that does not mean that I’m not hearing it. In the past 31 days when this blasphemous and hurtful pattern has occurred, when I ask why the hell they’re doing that (given that that’s all I can do to make it stop), all I get in return is silence. If you don’t want it to be solved then please shut the god damn cancerous fuck up this shit does not god damn end. When people start saying hurtful things to me telepathically, the chest pain I get from it makes it inevitable for me to say out loud – in my most stingy way possible – that they need to stop doing that. That is not toxicity, that is bitter self-defense. The referendum on my personality is still not god damn over. Kudos for whoever can be chanted “toxic bitch” at for 31 days and respond to that in a non-toxic manner.
Sometimes I manage to use the Side Mind sort of in the way it used to be used, putting a lot of energy into making the Side Mind predict something positive. But still it goes as far as an average barbarian could be positive. I’ve been pleading for my Fangyists to speak independently from the Side Mind because I believe that they are able to express yays that go beyond what the Side Mind is ale to predict. Doing that, we would lift each other up to a kind of happiness we have never felt before. I’m hoping you will take the initiative because I’m up against too many and you might have to plow through layers of emotional self-defense before you can get your yays back, but I ensure you it’s worth it.
I want the Side Mind to assume positivity the way it used to before I lost my hope for humanity. Though I don’t know how to assume divine positivity for myself – given that my biological father initially followed by Hunter in the past 31 days (and given his PTSD you still don’t get telepathy isn’t a TV show anymore watch your language sir response to even mentioning him for this) hinted at a whole new scope in which I could be positive about myself. I think my nationality could be of influence to my constraints on self-positivity (it’s a cultural thing to believe all above average levels of self-positivity are unorthodox). Of course the mental chanting is also not helping.
But now that The Head Cuddle/telepathic chat is a group chat with an innumerable amount of people from all over the world and plenty of those who have spoken have done so to chant insults at me in the past 31 days, every time it happens the Side Mind is shifted into negativity again and stays assuming negativity about everything and everyone until it has been a while since the last chanting session. I’m losing hope for the Side Mind (but me typing that right now could be fed by the most recent insult), mostly because the masochists feed on it.
That I ever started to try to take control of the Side Mind again for positivity and watch when I’m going into a downward spiral of (self-)negativity again, in the past 31 days, is thanks to my dear Hunter (on heroine¿). The ways in which he’s been voicing himself has raised the impression that he is being held captive (by the Dutch¿) and is experimented on psychiatrically with hard drugs because of the telepathic experience of The Head Cuddle (2.0). (That is why I had that post titled “Do I need air support?”, my ability to voice it requires time and data. My guess on heroine comes from the day I wrote the Tribalistic Sex post, when I heard him think (in his plat Amsterdamse accent when he thinks in Dutch) to me that he just came back from a “heroientje” with which he could take a more immersive trip inside my mind. (That’s all I think I know.) It makes me sad. I urgently need him close.) Still, he has been making the sharpest comments in the chat, in my opinion. Warmly getting beyond the oneliners.
With almost no exception – though I believe that a serious exception is Antwerp’s Bert II, who does seem to fully understand my perspective and the prisoner and mental torture aspects of it, who I only have heard speaking words in the defense of me against the swearing mob – people (I want to get close to) have been speaking ill of me telepathically. Most of it is because people have gotten their feelings hurt by incorrectly interpreting the self-defense mechanism inside the Side Mind. By Hunter that has been disregarded entirely. He has been swearing at me when I got my own feelings hurt when I downplay my own internal fire to stay relatively nice (in a you’re-not-100%-dead-to-me kind of way) to the people who are pissing me off. The idea behind it is cute, especially because it shows where it hurts him (which is why I’ve been calling him pacemaker as a bad joke and another reason for me to have him close given the fact that I need a mascot by my side at all times), but he too needs to watch the way he expresses his disagreement with my thoughts because it’s nerve wrecking and offensive (to say “bitch”, my dear tribalistic husband), given that my cognition then becomes “Avoid reprimand,” instead of “What is good for me?” It gives me chest pain.
A higher level on which the Side Mind’s controversy manifests itself is my complete absence from The Head Cuddle chat. Sometimes I poke people for an opinion poll in their thoughts or imagination. As long as my self-defense mechanism is seen as a personal attack – with being offended “back” in return – I’m staying absent. That’s not toxicity either – Hunter – that’s something like cocooning, I guess it’s a paradox. The people in The Head Cuddle telepathic chat are swearing about me for not wanting to talk inside The Head Cuddle and my fear of being hurt, which makes me not want to talk inside The Head Cuddle and makes me feel hurt. Sometimes I drop a snippet of monologue in the chat and then dash back to my cocoon, while still being able to hear the chat. I can never shut it off, no matter how much I want that sometimes. Me being contact adverse was my Head Cuddle status since 2017.
These past 31 days, I’ve considered The Head Cuddle a hostile environment. You’d expect it to be all love and warmth towards each other, right? But instead I don’t believe anyone in the course of history has been called a bitch so often as I have in this chat. I feel outnumbered and like people are far too eager to pull the trigger once again, so most of the time you only find me in the chat when the amalgamation of false convictions and people calling me offensive things becomes too much and I feel like I have to debunk it all. To ever be able to feel like everyone inside the chat has my best interests at heart, the Dutch representatives (it sounds like there is one woman (correction: the man also seems to be there or perhaps my liefje has taken care of it again and is doing the “but do you mind” (of course I don’t care) opinion poll) left who must be assassinated and it seems like men abstain from that so by visiting her imagination I asked Kayleigh if she’s interested in doing it (the information deficit for me is so large when it comes to the creation of the entire underlying group chat situation – I could know but in my loneliness I think I shouldn’t – part of me thinks it’s best that I never learn about what happens behind my back while it is still ongoing), who said, with my social hesitance after peaking twice and from social anxiety just doing a little opinion poll: “If you don’t want to talk to me inside the chat then go fuck yourself.” It’s just a misconception. Don’t take it personal,) must be taken out of the chat a.k.a. be assassinated (given the fact that the chat exists for the remainder of my existence and the only way out of it is death). Until then, (and that could also make things easier for when/if we ever meet in the physical realm) I have some suggestions for ways in which we could decrease the hostility in the most intense everlasting social situation ever.
There are multiple levels in which I am hearable/can be understood. I associate the ways in which someone can understand me with intelligence.
- Externally verbal
What the people see on the apparent camera, simply defined. I speak on the basis of what I think. In the last 30 days, my externally verbal communication is on a level that people not present in The Head Cuddle chat cannot understand and I’m very much at peace with that given that I like to advance. (Here is an underlying cultural (or anti-cultural) argument.)
- Inner voice
31 days ago and before, this was mostly used to talk to myself, given that through playing this questions and answers game with myself I get to higher insights. There was also a telepathic chat that had basically died out – I mostly kept asking for confirmation. Now it’s how I telepathically communicate with the chat (which is sometimes people individually but mostly me aggressively asking for decency) and chat with myself though I’m at that point where there’s basically nothing new to me anymore so not really anything to think about.
- Side Mind
Working in close relationship with my heart, the Side Mind suggests and predicts everything from outcomes of words spoken in a conversation to simulations of political strategy. It is inclined to safeguard and/or soothe my heart by directing situations into either something that will make me indescribably happy or something that will close my heart off from being exposed to the same thing again.
- The Speedies
The Speedies rationalize everything put out by the Side Mind in less than seconds. There are often also bonus nuances that never make it to the inner voice because to break that split second of a thought down to spoken words would take too much time for me to remember all the nuances in that split second of reason.
Given that the Side Mind is mostly out for doom instead of yays, even when my inner voice tries to bypass the loud sounds of doom coming from the Side Mind, especially those following the Speedies will notice the dominant shadiness (lie) in me choosing to advocate positive for something the Side Mind sees as mostly negative. So, throwing off the masochists and yaying the intelligent, I will be overly unyaying the Side Mind.
My usual deep criticism makes me nervous inside the chat, so I’m inclined to suppress it and behave like all is well – because I prefer saying that I see absolutely no room for improvement. I prefer thinking positively in general – especially when everyone is listening and can respond directly. But given that so many of my inner voice’s words are translated as lies because of what I consider positivity, to clear out the nuances in the Side Mind (the speediest speedies I know Hunter loves the most (given the immersion combined with drugs and stuff (in the mystery that I am))) I’m just (extra sarcastically) going to overdo the negative with my inner voice and externally. That includes the “personal attacks”. It is the only way I can move around the actual personal attacks I’m getting. All explanations require too many words for not communicating in the physical realm (though me having written all day long can also be of influence on me using even lesser words in the spiritual realm now).
How to Yay
You shouldn’t use The Side Mind anymore. I mean you could use it to see random social options, but you should absolutely not see it as a guide. Because it does not always have your best interests at heart. (And now that I’m unyaying things are getting quite wildcatty.) You must focus on what will make you happy in the long run and create your own Side Mind (along with me maybe).
Within the current system where all that is left to do is lay on the couch and deliver commentary on stuff, all the Head Cuddle can do is deliver some entertainment (based on my suffering). If that is what it is supposed to stay then I have nothing to ever talk about inside the chat and on how to yay I also don’t have much to tell you. (The Dutch.) If you, however, wish to retire with me, the Head Cuddle chat can be used to discuss all the aspects of this beautiful phenomenon on an extremely personal level. The fun already starts – independent from me – when you look at your Volta into retirement and beyond as a form of retirement that could start tomorrow, and how to get there. Within this process, consider me as someone who shouldn’t be caged in this apartment for much longer.
I used to use the economic objective of MB = MC as a social condition. (Past tense because my hope for humanity is lost.) For the sake of becoming free from emotional pain, it is crucial that you live by this minimum with your fellow Fangyist retirees. Your side mind must generate enough reasons to predict that the amount of love you put into a social interaction is the minimum of what you will receive in return, otherwise it is an action better to avoid. Only do this with them to prevent yourself from being disappointed.
Bypassing the Chat
The Head Cuddle/the telepathic chat isn’t a place where comfortable conversations can be held, given that there are people (are there seriously just 2¿) who don’t know when to shut up and who keep purposely stirring up unhealthy group behavior. I’d say the bonding starts when we have gone parallel, but until then we could do some things to bypass the intensity. (Given new false convictions in the chat I’d like to point out that I still do not want children and still do not want a regular social life.)
I think it’s healthy that there’s a figurative wall between the chat and I. The intensity – especially when the full I, you, we scope of the situation is not there yet – is a lot less in that way. Things escalate far too fast and you’re with too many for me to feel emotionally safe exposing my heart to the chat. Based on either George or someone faking being George saying: “We’re just talking about her in third person,” I derived that in bypassing the intensity of the chat, it’s actually quite a good idea to keep that up if only expressions of negativity towards me are kept to a minimum.
So you could then telepathically continue to speak of me in third person and I could adapt my train of thought to the expression about me in third person without using second person. The wall remains, our hearts stay safeguarded emotionally and we can speak free of interference by the Dutch traitor masochists who keep interrupting everything and for some reason think I should ever spend time with them (you must ensure me that that ne-ver happens).
Until they have been assassinated (on record), that is how we can communicate telepathically without my brain ferociously refusing social contact. To prevent making “personal attacks”, I will be unyaying. For us to become a squad in real life, give me sex with Hunter. I’m too aggressively emotionally defensive of my heart to get out of exile and into some form of non-spiritual social life (calling the telepathic chat spiritual, then) through conversation. What I can do, however, is without words and without thinking melt away my physical loneliness by going full wildcatty on my man of experience and then – though it might leave some serious emotional dependence I actually look forward to – have that as a social starting point.