A Day

I feel offended by you not wanting to meet me in person because you find my thoughts not good enough. You insulting me for my thoughts not being hyperconfident is not making me any more confident. It’s dragging down my mood. We should be lifting each other up.

The rest of the people I’m not talking to inside the chat keeps wondering why I keep trying with you. It’s because you’re the best in the game and I love you unconditionally. But as long as you keep speaking of me like I’m someone I’m not with all these labels and deadly repulsive group behavior, I can’t proceed telling you about the Volta given that that will make us be physically together instead of just mentally. That means that you will be working for me by then. I STILL need to fund my business.

No business, no happiness, for me. We need to find a way in which we can be together in person and I don’t hear offensive commentary on my thoughts and you don’t think those things anymore and when I see you I won’t be thinking: “Oh, that’s x who called me these offensive and hurtful things through telepathy.”

I don’t know what you’re used to in terms of relationships and communication, but I’d rather be alone forever than fight once. We’ve already fought mentally and we better sort things out mentally once (a fight that’s lasting 21 days now) because I have no tolerance for this shit in person. That’s one of the many reasons I like being and staying alone. It’s a waste of time and it leaves a burning feeling inside my chest.

I’m not saying that we can never disagree. But if disagreement is expressed with nothing but the same offensive lines and no further explanation then it’s a waste of time that is much better avoided.

The inner workings of our telepathic connection are new to you all and – though it was uncontrollable anarchy at first – you’re starting to understand it a lot better. But as long as people start hating on me on the basis of the content of my Side Mind or anything else, we’re stuck here. I hate it here. It burns in my chest to be here. I want to get off the grid.

To my dear baby: I’m sorry that I’m hurting your feelings by you having to telepathically hear about physical exclusivity with Hunter in the future. Know you’re still my baby, Ben, and you can hurt my feelings more than him, so please refrain from that please I’m begging for mercy. I mean I understand where you’re coming from and I love so much that you love me so much. You should believe me when I say that I love you unconditionally. Even when you just now called me those two offensive words again my God why is it so difficult to stop hurting my feelings by saying things like that? There is telepathic connection and there is physical connection. We should talk about this in person.

To my dear Hunter SkiWildcatty: I don’t like saying your last name because the image of you being someone’s shadow while you are so much more intelligent than they are ties a knot in my stomach when I hear it. I want to hear your story, but you can’t tell me telepathically because it will be too heavy on my heart and brain so you will have to tell me in person and borrow (it takes time for me to get such odd nuances out of my system, maybe you could help me with that) me some of your cuddlies when you do because I can’t imagine someone with such a vibrant personality go through such a hell.

I never want to make you feel like you can’t tell me everything. I see you’re indecisive between “She’s alone because she’s crazy” and “She’s alone because she’s too awesome”. It’s of course because I’m far too awesome and have zero tolerance for NPC shxt.

Usually it’s not easy for people to do something to me that makes me lose my calm, but I’ve been lashing out at you and many others for the things you’ve been saying inside my mind. I understand the crossroads you’re on, but you must understand that you sometimes thinking that I’m a crazy type of female while I’m not and you judging me on the basis of that while thinking that I can’t hear that and then still not realizing that is making me so indescribably angry, especially because I want to be with you and you sometimes say you don’t even try to dare in person.

Or maybe you do dare. I’m just tired of being a book judged by its cover for over 21 days. I feel like we need to sort out the telepathic pattern before we can meet in person. Especially because I have the feeling we could both be unusually explosive when we see the slightest sign of incompatibility.

If whatever the horror hell is true about the things happening in my name behind my back you’re complicit in then the need for a kiss on my chest that soothes my heartache. But I’m not the type of person who wants to hear excuses, nor do I want to talk about it with anyone or (I’ve grown) go clubbing or whatever to find a sexual victim to take it out on. Please tell me that either I’m wrong or kill it to settle your debt with me. That’s the only way I’d be able to stomach the awareness of this ridiculous ideological betrayal.

The only item left on my life’s bucket list is genocide, so make sure you clean up this dirt if this is true. I can’t believe how far people would go to sabotage my greatest aspirations. These days have been a serious test for unconditional love.

If you people are going to just continue playing games with my heart while watching me suffer, then, again, suicide is the last option I have left.

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