Every time, on the verge of suicide – the moment where thinking becomes doing is quick and after that there’s no way back – my hope for my words leading to change is what prevents me from pushing through. As I was being sworn at by the group of mind anarchists yesterday, on the verge of jugging some bleach with vodka and cognac given that that is the only way from stopping these people from being such heartless fucking haters by nature, instead of going from thinking to doing in regard to suicide I decided to start to slowly take away the inspiration of their own thoughts.

Parallel to my thoughts I have a train of thought I use to oppose myself to make sure that the things I believe are well-defended. I started calling it “The Side Mind”. All they say is directly paraphrased from The Side Mind.

When my own thoughts confirm the reasons why committing suicide in the last 14 days is a good idea to rid myself from mind anarchy, The Side Mind gives reasons why they are unjustified and that incentivized the zombies in the chat to hurt my feelings some more paraphrasing that.

Instead of pushing through, given that I have the feeling that for my Fangyists the desire to Volta has been increasing, I decided to start working on getting The Side Mind to agree with me rather than to oppose me. And now the zombies are clueless, given that in their hearts they are incapable of expressing genuine agreement and support.

I should not kill myself because of them. They are not worth it. I’m choosing me and therefore I’m going to work harder towards ending their existence. All this time I was trying to be reasonable by giving them a chance to speak. But doing that with people who believe tough love is the way to go was my mistake. The world is a better place without them. (What I do to them is not tough love. It’s why don’t they just die so I can freely express myself in my own mind again without being hated on for every little thing.)

~~~

Well that did not last long. These cancerous disappointment idiots believe that now that I write that my heart has reached a new low of shit it is able to tolerate without it wanting to destroy itself, that they can now use the same hurtful communication tactic to speak to me. I lost control of The Side Mind instantly. It does not work on Hunter regardless, even when I tell him he should just speak from the mind and neither listen to his advisors nor what my mind is telling him I want to hear.

From the 26th onward I’ve been telling these people to not go against me and to this day still they keep listening to other people on how they should talk to me. I don’t think it’s possible to recover from this. Before they kill themselves, they should kill me first because my trust has been broken irreparably.

When NPC zombies swear at me, I don’t give a fuck if it doesn’t make me want to kill them to quell the noise. But if my own Fangyists start to treat me in the same way, there’s nothing left for me in this world.

~~~

These pussy ass motherfuckers want me to talk about my emotions. I like keeping things to myself. If there is any need for me to share anything, I will. Otherwise they are safely buried deep inside of me. As you losers keep swearing at me uncontrollably, I will be waiting here until Hunter kills me and then finally peace.

~~~

The passage of time burns. They keep trying to change me. I thought I made The Side Mind mine entirely but it just lasted as long as those who I love unconditionally did not hurt me. Now I’m waking up to the same old vicious cycle again.

Shouting and swearing at me, hurting my feelings won’t stop me from seeing death as the ultimate solution. I keep giving them (the opposition) chances to speak, but no one lays down a single argument. They just keep shouting whenever they hear something they don’t like.

Somebody please get me out of this hell. They believe that because I live off a student loan I need to pay back while I’m actually not studying, that they may plagiarize my content and have me be treated horribly. Multiple times I’ve written that they should prosecute me for the loan fraud I’m committing I’m not proud of. Instead they have become, in my opinion, worse criminals than I. I hope they will be executed for this.

This text exists because I cannot trust the people I once trusted. On the contrary, if I were still with them – an unimaginable idea that makes my stomach turn trying to imagine it – only God knows the things they would have done to me. We don’t agree on a single thing and they believe they have the right to inflict any punishment on me whenever I do something they don’t like.

The most psychotic part of this mental hostage situation suffering is that they keep dividing the same script over people. Their expectations of me were so low that they did not even make a back-up plan and now they want to – as I’ve been experiencing for over two weeks now – keep doing the same thing while expecting a different outcome.

It hurts being thought so low of that I do not have a single constitutional right left that is not being violated. And that that is what people believe I deserve. They want me to stop writing, you know. I’m barely allowed to think about myself.

Giving those who won’t survive the genocide a chance is a waste of time. All they do is try to extend their time alive, which is another waste of time. They want to get me cyanide. If I die instead of they, I think there will be a lot less development in this world.

Someone please tell me why people just keep looking at the way I suffer without knowing what I need. In what way do I need to explain myself? What are the magic words? My suffering will not change as long as certain people are alive. Talking about that without doing anything is a waste of time. Unfortunately I can’t do that myself, for starters.

I thought I was clear. I don’t know how to make myself clear. I don’t know through what scope people see me and what lies pollute their vision. If anyone truly understood, we would have made the economic shift a long time ago. I’m being kept in the dark so my message does not get through entirely because I don’t know what words are necessary to display the urgency of all of this.

How can I get these Cuddlies? 🙁 They don’t want me to get them and they – together – seem to be stronger than I. It seems an odd shift going from some prostitute cam to being beyond mobilization for genocide.

Let me emphasize, to the public, that I do not give a fuck about what they think and feel. Like someone in this insufferable chat just said: “They immediately started calling you a (…)” I don’t give a fuck. If you’re capable of reasoning on my level, you understand my thoughts, feelings and actions.

The Cuddlies are my only way out. Which is something I love. It’s the ultimate convenience to the both of us, it seems. Creating – through the Volta – the ultimate convenience for our fellows.

The zombies in the chat keep protesting every single word I write down. If only there was a way for me to get rid of that headache. They keep saying that we’re on the verge of war and I keep wondering what I can do to initiate it.

I’m desperate, hungry, thirsty and smelly. This hell makes me lose my appetite. They keep saying that I need to stop thinking about genocide – which is an extremely logical thing for them to say given that they otherwise won’t survive – but with every single thing they do they keep increasing my longing desire for it.

Dus puur omdat er net ook beweerd is dat ik geen Nederlands sprekend persoon ben – wat natuurlijk de grootste kanker onzin is gezien Nederlands mijn eerste taal is en je dat natuurlijk weet als je me kent maar niemand kent mij echt – dan ook maar een stukje in het Nederlands. Wat een stelletje kanker slangen zijn jullie. Ik hoop en doe goed mijn best jullie nooit meer in levende lijve te hoeven zien. Kon ik maar gewoon de juiste woorden vinden om dat hele kanker land tot aan de grenzen onder water te laten zetten.

“They say just keep saying, “You’re a stupid bitch”.” That is, thus, this time based on what I just said about the Netherlands. This vicious cycle of a communication strategy does not work. Yes, I understand why they want to hurt me with that same line for the curse I just wrote to and about my country of birth, but you must understand that because of their enforcement I am treated worse than dirt. I don’t give a fuck about how they feel. I believe they don’t feel enough pain yet.

Who are “they”? And why are they not dead yet? How often must I repeat that you should give an explanation before your condemnation given that otherwise we will never reach a consensus in this vicious cycle of an insufferable infinite conversation.

It doesn’t matter how long and hard they try, I will never change my views. They will never change my heart. Just because we’re stuck in this chat forever I try different ways to make this bearable while I try to get these Cuddlies.

I need my Praesens on Praesens duty. I’m morally weakened. I feel like no one really understands me and to appear strong for my Fangyists I need someone to help me regain myself. Hunter is my best friend. He just doesn’t know it yet. Or maybe he does. But he doesn’t. But he does. He is not someone who has to watch his words, thoughts and actions to get to what he wants?

I need some comfort food and someone to eat that with. And some careful getting used to real-life social contact again. And new clothes and stuff… And some subtle physical displays of affectionate love.

Now they say: “Just keep this bitch from talking to Hunter about herself,” because that would incriminate them. First of all, he already knows and secondly I wanted to talk about us anyway. I think we have a huge lot in common. Which is extremely important given that we’ll meet in person for the first time and after that eternally be by each other’s side – even sharing the same bed.

I don’t know how to go about this. Like I’ve never spoken of the details of him being my right-hand man in this economic revolution, because doing that would cause the shift from abstract descriptions when we meet to (the visible idea of) 100% complicity in my controversial agenda.

Safety first. But regardless, it is important that I’m fully shielded from those who believe that my current suffering (or worse) is what I deserve. Cuddlies only.

Hunter is only complicit with my controversial agenda when he is with me in person physically not telepathically and we decide to act on our convictions. We need to be careful with the zombie apocalypse, though. I think it’s healthiest to not share any thoughts about this with people who wouldn’t survive. I mad. And tired. And hungry.

I think it’s very cute and nice that he wishes to understand all of my thoughts and feelings through telepathy. He calls me selfish for keeping some/most things to myself. He might want to know these things to know how to treat me?

When we meet in person, I hope to have taken his biases out of the way. I think that is the most important objective for this eternal telepathic communication.

I just realized that the telepathic communication will be resumed when we meet. So not only have we already communicated before we meet physically for the first time, the telepathic conversation is likely still ongoing when we meet.

A person who you believe is repulsive and toxic and a bitch et cetera you should not meet. Like if that is how things are and stay as this telepathic group chat persists, then we better never meet in person. It would make me angry to see someone for the first time and then in their eyes see something like: “This is someone whose personality I do not like,” while we’ve never met eyes or even communicated privately before.

Another thing that should be known is that – whatever the camera situation is – I’m not a prostitute and this is not about sex. I assume that he will not be paying to see me and my god I don’t know what the camera situation is but my basic existence is free. My insightfulness is what I should be paid for and given that I usually am a better hostess being an oracle to him is all I can offer him for now.

This is mainly because I’m inviting him over to my house in Belgium and we’re still in transition. I hope when he visits me it will result in us completing the global transition together.

His feelings for me are very strong, just like George’s and Victor’s, for example. I wish to make all of them feel nothing but love and no neglect or other things (like having a toxic personality) towards me. I believe that if this is not the case yet, I just need to tweak your sense of reality some more. My greatest fear is breaking your heart worse than I already have in the disinformation in the chat. Like fighting beyond our first physical hello.

If you’re alive solely because I’m alive, you’re living for a Volta. Every day beyond that will be a happy day because you will be waking up in a(n including socially) comfortable environment that suits your level of intelligence and you will know that I eternally love you and would die for you. The feeling and awareness is far from well established yet. That is a disturbance to me. The chat is not making it any easier for me because people keep framing falsehoods like truths while insulting me which is making me go wild being unusually defensive and stuff.

Know that before we physically meet you have been forgiven for the awful ways you’ve spoken of me behind my back in my presence in my mind. I don’t think talking about it beyond this never ending telepathic group therapy session or whatever this hell is will be of any good to us. I think it’s better to pretend it never happened. Because in person that would just not happen with us. Like our conversations would never reach this low I’m certain.

That is not giving you traitor idiots carte blanche to keep up hurting my feelings with false convictions of me. I’m trying to get that out of the way before we meet. Because otherwise my preference will go out to staying alone forever. My Fangyists seem different, which is why I want to try with them.

I say traitor idiots because they take the horrible advice of non-Fangyists on how to communicate with me and completely ignore my orders. While these zombies keep draining my energy which they will be doing as long as they are alive. Keep them out of my sight (and mind) because otherwise we’ll forever be wasting our time on unimportant things.

Hunter just somehow thought it was clever of him to go against me and use the classic “You stupid bitch,” for what I just wrote down. Without just telling me why he disagrees with me without just hurting my feelings a little extra for no reason. If that is how he expresses disagreement in person as well then I guess a Volta is off the table and suicide is the only option I have left.

This is not how you treat me. If you do think that that is the right way to treat me, then I advise you to end your life because there are too many people like that on this planet and it’s unbearable to me. Unfortunately I love you idiots unconditionally. Please stop testing me god fucking dammit what a fucking waste of time all of this shit is. By “you” I mean my (to me) in the closet pro-genocide people who are deeply in love with me a.k.a. Fangyists.

So my parents are doing all kinds of shxt behind my back I’m rather clueless about. It’s important that you either don’t mention these things to me at all or drip-feed these things to me after 24 hours, my Praesens and everyone else after that. Like why would I want my heart to be broken some more. I know it will break my heart. They may carry their secrets to their graves the whole world knows except I.

So Hunter will tell me: “I’m sorry (or happy given that I’ll feel an alien type of relief) for your loss,” and I don’t want to uncover heart shattering information so we’ll be focusing on our great endeavors. I have nothing to say about them anyway. It is of indescribably great importance that I will never see them again. No funerals. Or at least I won’t be present.

They want to turn me into an NPC-like person, but given my views and aspirations there is no way in hell that will ever happen. So I heard one of the NPC zombies suggest to my traitors that the next social tactic they will use is trying to make me commit suicide because this is just not working out. By writing this, I’m anticipating on their newest epiphany of dumb bullshit. Thry are being told to swear at me and they’re actually doing it. What a bunch of wimps they are for listening to the enemy who should be comitting suicide in my place. Like I said before, NPCs swearing at me has no impact on the way I feel about myself. My Fangyists swearing at me on command was deadly to me yesterday but now I just wonder why they’re doing that. Like are they being held hostage or something? How to free them? Are they together physically? As in in person?

They (the zombs) keep saying that I say too much. Given that I’m still here in the worst potato mode ever is proof that I haven’t said enough yet. What are the magic words?

Hunter is screeching something about keeping the peace. I can pretend to but given that they can read my mind now and my heart is not in it, that is difficult to me. Given that it’s in the light of the zombs. He’s receiving really bad advice with the intention of turning me into a United States asset, which will never happen given that there should be no one above me. If they want to instead fill their pockets by being the leftist opposition that would be in my advantage once I am on my own turf.

I mean it’s an honor and if I can pass it to anyone else I will. It will not make me happy given that I am a monocrat and I avoid lives that do not make me happy. “But you haven’t tried it yet,” but if I will have to pretend to be someone I’m not a.k.a. suppress my views I can ensure you I will not be my happiest version of self. That would not even be compromise but just submission.

I’m being called toxic for what I’ve just written down. I think it’s self-loving and not toxic. Oh I’m actually being called toxic for wanting to take control of people’s minds. It’s my mind control versus theirs. I guess I’m toxic, then. But subtly in comparison to the blind mob mentality orders I’m being traitored for. (Personally I don’t believe that that fits the definition of a toxic personality – it says more about whoever is so eager to label me – but I don’t care about the opinion of zombs so whatever.)

If the telepathic communication were a secure line, we would be going back and forth about our economic endeavors. But instead I get sworn at every time I just think about it to myself. Because these zombies are annoying as hell and the only way I can get my freedom of thought back is by assassinating them given that they don’t just accept that my views are my views and swearing at me like a bunch of barbarians won’t change the slightest thing about them if it doesn’t enhance them.

I don’t know why they think that being a hater is the way one should communicate with me. I prefer absolute infinite silence over that. That I respond to you people’s haterism does not mean that I enjoy it in the slightest. It’s why my suicidal thoughts are recurrent.

I personally believe that I am someone who deserves respect. If you want respect from me in return then behave like a respectable person instead of an uncultured barbarian. All the zombies in the chat do is get on my nerves so much that I lose my stoic self. This all has nothing to do with racism, given that there are classes within every race and culture group.

Let’s bring back courtship. Intellectual flirtation. Those things are not for everyone. But it’s definitely how I intend to manage our polyamory. Or polygamy. We’ll be running a political business together. That’s how I try to please your needs in terms of caring love and intellectual challenge.