Toxicity Day

So from saying “you stupid bitch” for 12 days straight, the new craze now is calling me toxic. The greatest argument I’ve heard this far, given that I don’t think it’s an everyday thing for people to get 12 days of constant attack therapy (justified by me believing that genocide solves many problems), when I said that I discriminated against, someone – not toxic at all – said that it was justified because I’m the most toxic person on the planet.

What I really don’t get is if I’m such a toxic and awful person, why do they keep wanting to be in contact with me and stuff? Like I prefer to stay far away from toxic people. I don’t get why they just don’t leave me alone. And when I ask what my behavior should look like for them to not call me toxic, aside from “don’t think about genocide” all I get is silence. If you don’t want me to think of genocide – though I firmly believe in freedom of thought – then give me strong arguments about why I shouldn’t do that.

Ah, I’m being called toxic some more. I hope I can more elaborately translate their side of the story. Sidney says the days of calling me a stupid bitch are not over. Miss anonymous (who I called monkey lady because she kept saying that I must behave in a certain way because that is alleged tradition, she seems cool though I don’t know why she’s siding with them) says that this is not intended as therapy.

That I’m too convinced of being right. Now, FINALLY I will be told why I’m wrong. Let’s settle this once and for all. Strong arguments coming in in… Yes it’s extremely wrong of me to have called her that. I should not have called her that. I should not still be mad at her. Let that be something between her and I. It shouldn’t be another reason for other people to insult me some more, in my opinion.

Picking a side? I already told you that she should take my position. Not for being called a stupid bitch, but for getting all the attention and stuff. She should be whatever these people want me to be given that she’s the strongest defender regardless.

So I’m toxic. Please stay away from me, for I believe that it’s something chronical. If it’s not something chronical then people should start telling me what I should change about myself. But, again, not without giving me a reason why, otherwise I can’t genuinely be doing something.

“She’s not trying to make amends.” I don’t even know what I’m making amends with. More shit about the pandemic and more being called a stupid bitch as I’m writing this right here. “She’s not trying to make something of herself.”

I’m getting a restraining order? I don’t think anyone should worry about that, given that I don’t even leave my own house.

What might be toxic is that I assume every word said is to make me lose self-confidence.

So today I will be told how I should behave – behave and not think – for these people to stop saying about me that I’m toxic. I don’t even believe them. I just want silence in my head.

I don’t know there’s a lot of people talking through each other. No idea if I’m being understood or if they’re still trying hard to turn me into someone I’m not.

So in between the “You’re not trying to make amends,” because I haven’t heard any good arguments against my great economic solution, somehow I got to this tangent about sex appeal when speaking to Hunter. (This is all in The Head Cuddle 2.0.) I’ll get to that later and also a very interesting statement made by Victor.

Because within that tangent I heard who I thought was the one psychiatrist that made my life absolute hell say that I have AIDS. I don’t know if this is true, but Craig bringing it (is someone who knowingly had AIDS not telling someone else and then having sex with him/her a criminal (yes, in my opinion)) up last Summer already raised suspicions for me.

If it’s true, it would not surprise me at all. In terms of health, I think it shows that I don’t need medicinal treatment for it given that I then caught it in 2016 and heard about it in 2021. And apparently the whole world already knew before that, if the snakes in the chat are correct.

I’ve heard them say something about being laughed at about that for a long time. For my mind it is hard to grasp how something like that could ever be funny. It is shameful. It’s embarassing. I feel filthy.

I have nothing to say to my ex. If he wants to clear his guilty conscience (can you believe I waited until age 19 and then the person I lose my virginity to is someone with AIDS (yes given the fact that it’s easy-ish maybe)), he can send me a letter. But he has, in the chat, already repeatedly said “I don’t even want to talk to this bitch,” so I don’t know why the snakes in the chat are suggesting I do.

In the whole process of me letting the situation sink in, I’ve again repeatedly been called a stupid bitch and selfish et cetera. I’m so tired of these people, but now my need for revenge has become so much more than my need for silence in my head.

The worst part of The Head Cuddle 2.0 is that I don’t even get to undisturbedly talk to the people I want to talk to. I’m more busy silencing and swearing back to snakes. At some point I caught Hunter thinking that I have nothing to say to him. I do. I just want it to be private and personal.

I said that I never really try to invoke being sexually attractive because I’m so used to rejection. (He basically said that it’s very easy to get to him if I’d just say it.) I think being rejected by Hunter is my greatest fear in life. Though we have never met, and especially now that I should actually not be sexually active anymore, I’d love for him to be my one and only. If he’d want to be ill with me for the rest of our life together. I’d just ask him that in person if we could train, which might be the most wildly random conversation ever, but still I think he’s up for an adventure.

In this I caught Victor say something like: “But we have been allowed to hear her go to the bathroom,” which is honestly one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard. Like wow he appreciates that so much? I need more Victor in my life, then.

My relationship with Victor is special. Things could have been different, maybe, but still he has an extremely special place in my heart. I want to have that special exchange of eye contact with him, give him cheek kisses and soap him in. In my view, these are loving friendship things. Sexual penetration is exclusively for Hunter.

I’ve heard a lot of people in the chat wanting me to talk to my ex about it. I don’t want to see him and have nothing to say to him. People suggested I talk about it with my parents. Why would I? Same goes for the people I’ve ever had sex with. If you have made fun of me for over 3 years then why would I approach you for that?

I don’t want to be remembered for this. I don’t want people to make money off of this (if they haven’t already¿). In regards to my future aspirations, I once started writing so that if you accept me as your leader (that’s a mutual process) you accept me for who I am.

The amount of times I’ve heard people suggest I just be assassinated (“Just shoot this bitch,”) has increased quite a lot in the last hour (currently it’s 08:58 AM), which has incentivized me to stay indoors instead of dashing to the supermarket given that they know exactly where I am at all times.

It might be an odd request for a random no money and no contacts person like me, but I could really use some Hunter cuddly and some armed security (and a new life). Can we Volta, guys? May I please be secured within 24 hours?

If it is true that Hunter has been put on libido blockers in my name, first of all I apologize because other people are apparently stupid enough to do something as ridiculous as that. If he is one of those who – if the myth is true – has been able to see me in their mind’s eye for longer (maybe like 10 years or something (the puberty toilet scene moment of gaining consciousness, maybe)), chances are that psychiatric industry NPCs see that as nothing but mental illness, while without us getting together and talking about it it is never confirmed and until then he may not receive any medication for it, if they were operating legally and empirically.

If my intuition is correct about this, then all those who put him through this in my name should die for it. Because they are then no good NPCs (who don’t know how to have a discussion). If this is correct, then Hunter can speak Dutch fluently, as well as more other people from who one would not expect it, especially given the fact that I am then the reason why.

We could get this done, if people would start getting out of our way. I know you, including Hunter, are all reading this. For security reasons and the exceptionality of this situation, he should be given a key to my apartment.

Given that you have all read this and everyone knows the situation, I can safely expect you liefje. We don’t do bureaucracy. Let them sue us later if they need to, hypothetically speaking (we just need to get moving). You’ve read my stuff so expect me to be stoic about everything (except maybe the condolences on hello (which might come with some happy sad tears)).

The Volta is all I live for, liefje. There is nothing else for me here. And there’s only one person I want to be in charge of it all (without psychiatric apparatus, of course). The place where we’ll stay until our palace in Suriname is done should be ready. Toch, Victor? We’re getting off the grid.

I prefer Hunter spontaneously walking into my apartment having a copy of my key over ringing the doorbell (and having scheduled something). The doorbell creates far too much suspense for me. Also we shouldn’t make too much noise. Plus then I don’t have to get dressed… 😀 I’m in bed. If correct he has clothes for me to wear and two suitcases. (I was thinking B1.)

I believe our baby Yayence has the pack list for my apartment specifically? He is authorized to come along with Hunter, then. Of course he may come along regardless, but there’s nothing spectacular here. The places where we’re going next are where things are spectacular. In terms of nicer circumstances. But into this building with key though not registered but authorized is Hunter, some of our guards and Ben S. a.k.a. our baby. Who should be shielded from his fascist community members.

The dominant snakes inside The Head Cuddle 2.0 – who are blocking the ability for me to peacefully converse with my Fangyists – want to talk the Volta out of my head. They’re wasting their time trying to do that. If the Volta is 100% off the table by those who will execute it, then committing suicide is the only thing I’m interested in left.

Is my Aliam upstairs? Because if yes, reality is even crazier than I thought and he must leave the building together with us, then. Regardless, he will be on that train together with Bert I & II and the rest of us here.

The experience of the chat is done through different lenses for everyone. A nationality based one and a race/culture based one. People viewing the chat through a culturally indoctrinated lense that comes with people correcting each other and breathing down each other’s necks watching each other’s every move to then correct them (and snitch on them) when deriving from the doctrine is one that is troublesome in particular. We must dash. Neighborhood does not want me to leave?

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