Practicing Nocturne

First meal of 2021…

Honestly een jaarwisseling (= going into a new year) is nothing but a reset of the cycle of time. Now it will be Easter again, and Summer again, and award shows again, and Christmas again and New Year’s again et cetera et cetera. I get all the jolly messages and try my best not to be too sour, but be honest: what is there to truly celebrate?

As for covid, of course, why would December 2020 be different from January 2021, just because of the date? Of course there will likely be the inauguration of the Doomsday King (had I said congratulations on y’all leftists’ victory yet¿ cheers m8) in two weeks, who wants to impose (at least) 100 days of mandatory masking. Which is not an improvement, I hope we can agree on. But even that is change via the political cycle and not via just it being 2021.

The annual cycle of bread and circuses is what most people attribute their (…quite meaningless…) purpose to. Without it, they become zombies. That 2020 is over does not mean that 2021 will be better. There is no guarantee that 2021 will be worth celebrating and that is fine. (Please just shut the fxck up.)

I like taking things as they go. When it comes to that, I’m missing so much of a thrill in my life. Adapting to the turbulence in my life 4 years ago was hellish, but strategically it also kept me sharp. The feelings were terrible, but I do miss just feeling something.

Simultaneously, absolutely nothing this year is for certain (I’m happy and grateful that I’ve been able to pay my rent every single month in 2020 and hope this will stay the case in 2021). The only thing that is quite certain is that seasons change. That’s enough constant for me to hold on to. I love all the seasons. The cycle of nature is such a beautiful thing. I keep finding it unfortunate that I’m not surrounded by enough of it, but still I’m grateful to have my mini palace.

Good for principle & good for much needed friction.

So today I’ll be practicing Chopin’s 20th Nocturne in C sharp minor. My other projects also still require practice, but I need the full challenge of learning something new that’s challenging (thus not everything that is new is a challenge, but there are challenges for me in this composition).

I love that I can now fully devote myself to playing the piano. To get completely lost in this form of self-expression and the constant need for self-improvement. I still can’t believe that I got this gift. Like seriously, guys, why are you spoiling me? I was feeling empty playing video games all the time and now I’m all happy nshxt. If life is a game of chess then I really don’t understand this move. But thanks again, I literally couldn’t be happier. This really was an offer I could not refuse. I’ve never been happier (and still this isn’t even my max).

Right now I think I’m going to do some exercises and soak some. I’m trying to reach that point of being one with myself where it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist anymore. It’s not working out the way I want to, but it’s going decently. I wish I could connect with anyone, but unfortunately it’s only a tiny handful of people who suit my niche.

That is only unfortunate in the sense that there’s a lot of zombies to wipe out to live without the nagging sound of social conflict. But for really connecting with people, a small, exclusive group is way better. To be able to get to know people better and better, and to be able to really love and cherish someone. That’s way more kuddle. Ik wil een cusje. 3:

Haha become Fangsexual today. 😀 For 90% off!!! What a deal. 🙂 Anyway, I’m going to do my things. Good night liefjeee <3

01:37 (AM) CET

A fire alarm has been going off for over 10 minutes now. Maybe there is no fire, maybe there is. If there’s a fire, I will go down with my place. I need to pee, but opening my bedroom door causes luchtverplaatsing and luchtverplaatsing fuels a potential fire. So I’m waiting until the alarm stops, but it sounds like it never will.

I hear a truck outside (but heard no sirens close by so maybe it’s not a firetruck). I hear only one fire alarm going off, so if there’s a fire, it hasn’t spread beyond one apartment (yet). It does sound like the alarm is coming from my floor or the floor above or floor below. If the fire is already spreading, I wouldn’t know which emergency exit would be the safe one, if it’s safe at all.

The first time I checked what time it was when the alarm was going off, it was 06:48. Right now it’s 07:11. I hear another truck outside. I don’t smell fire, so, ehm, that’s a plus… I don’t dare to look out the window to see in the reflection of the building if there’s a fire.

The alarm has stopped. Thank God. So hopefully there was nothing. I think it’s safe for me to open the door now? The sound woke me from my sleep. Hopefully there was nothing. I will continue to attempt getting some Z’s. Also, I should invest in getting a fire extinguisher in case of future misfortune…

07:19 (AM) CET

Well this wasn’t what I had in mind when I said that I wanted to try to continue getting Z’s… I woke up around 5, then watched some of Pewdie’s livestream, then fell asleep again while watching… It seems like there will be a late night piano session.

Let me clarify that I said that if this building burns down, I will go down with it. That isn’t the same “fatalism” I preach when it comes to living like normal (like real normal) with a virus that isn’t that extremely deadly, that it’s better to accept that small risk of death than to put everyone’s life on hold in an attempt to control something that can’t be controlled anymore. (I’ll get back to the health care system and why I’m not enthusiastic about $2000 stimulus checks.)

If this apartment were to burn down, I’d go down with it because my present life is nothing worth fighting for. My life is so uneventful that it doesn’t matter if I don’t have to wake up another day and figure out how to keep myself occupied within these four walls. To spend another day doing my best to not go raging mad from severe boredom. My life and my exile aren’t going anywhere, so there’s absolutely no point for me to continue living. I won’t try to force the end anymore, but if it happens it happens and (aside from do wishing for certainty like then I don’t want to still end up surviving) I’m at peace with that. I have nothing to gain and nothing to lose.

Would it be such a big deal if I hadn’t lived through yesterday? I don’t think so. Same goes for today my god I spent most of it sleeping. As for all the things I’m capable of doing (on a far larger scale than I’m doing now), I do think my death would be a serious loss. But in my current miserable life in which literally anyone is more entitled to economic opportunity (given the criteria that define that in this system) than I and socially I’m living like I’m already dead, I wouldn’t care if this life of mine ends today or tomorrow. I mean yes not knowing what to expect of the process of dying is a little tense, but it’s not the end of the world.

This is not mental illness. This is common sense. I’m not sad about it. It’s not a happy thought either, though. I’d say it’s unfortunate logic. It could become fortunate logic if there was the space to put more purpose into life, but that is now structurally being prohibited not only for me.

What most therapists try to make you do is make you say “Life is fun,” but the prison of purposeless routine is not fun, and as long as elitists can come in and do whatever they want with your purpose, that unfortunate fact does not change. To try to indoctrinate someone into saying the opposite (a literal falsehood when looking at it from a broad, long-term perspective currently) is counter-effective.

With the exception of people who do find happiness in the current routines, of course. As long as they’re not in the way of evolutionary progress (because in terms of individualism that would be interference), please, enjoy your happiness.

So currently I can’t even take myself on a date anymore, because of the public health measures that are in place in an attempt to not overwhelm the health care system. I understand that. Would it be better to permanently double the amount of hospitals everywhere? Because then everything could go back to normal for sure.

Another way, though likely unfavorable to most people I’d say this is the better solution, to relief the health care system is to, instead of permanently expanding the capacity of the health care system, slim down the need for health care in general, by reintroducing the idea that a life that brings the sacrifices of multiple lives is a life not worth living. If it takes all of the free time of at least one adult, neglected children and/or a nurse’s full time job just to keep a person alive who can’t do anything, what’s the point of that person’s life? Most people, however, find it hard to say goodbye to an entity that fills a social gap in their life. (That’s why I say it’s just selfishness. People who cause others to live like that are never genuinely happy.)

I don’t think it’s worth sacrificing the freedom of everyone to extend the lives of vulnerable people. Even sacrificing everyone’s freedom to protect the strongest would be controversial. Even asking everyone to wear a mask I think is, though I do just wear it when I have to (especially given that I’m visiting here), actually too much to ask. Because what are you really doing it for? To have an old lady sit achter de geraniums for a month longer? To have two parents take care of their drooling child in an electronic wheelchair for a year longer? Tell me what the merit of such a life is.

I find it of the utmost importance that people don’t go bankrupt, get evicted or get disowned, and that everyone keeps having access to food and water because of this government-imposed crisis. The capitalist monetary system, however, causes a serious problem here. The idea that money has value, that a 0.10 cents piece of paper is worth bread, butter and milk (anything (tangible/intangible)) is just a figment of your imagination. Almost a collective psychosis. (Don’t get me started on cryptocurrencies…)

Though capitalism does not allow for this in a healthy way, what governments should have done when starting their lockdowns was say: “Given the fact that we’re interrupting a large part of our (natural) economy (and no equal amount of people will economically surpass those who are being held back because of the measures), what is yours should stay yours without payment as long as these measures last,” “safely freezing” the assets of those affected. Instead, now every governmental attempt “to perform CPR on the economy” is further disrupting the value of money. (Tell me – and don’t say “great reset” – what is your solution to get out of this economic paralysis?)

Of course, the other things in that giant bill were even worse. Almost everything except the stimulus checks was not a priority (and is therefore an insult). But regardless if it’s $600 or $2000 (or $4000), a one-size-fits-all check after months of economic disruption, with absolutely no sign of it ever getting better, I’d say is not purposeful government spending. The objective is to ensure economic stability, but it’s less than uncertain if the spontaneous financial influx will cause that. (Wouldn’t it be better if they just temporarily paid people’s (overdue) bills and did optional meal cheques, then?)

A weird curse and blessing is that you can forget about future generations paying this back. In terms of the capitalist psychosis, it’s already weird to say: “Well I wanted some extra 0.10 cents piece of paper so now your children must have less future purchasing power.” Like that piece of “logic” is already bullshxt in absolute terms. But regardless, especially after this economic deadlock imposed by the government because of the super flu (or super duper flu now (oh no wait for the super super duper flu), there are no sources for future wealth creation that will ever settle this debt. Even the great reset you can forget, because there will be no wealth to move around anymore.

Anyway, I’m going to stew some fruit to eat with rice pudding and hit the keysss x

23:59 (11:59 PM) CET

Night Sky by ShiftingDestiny on Deviantart via Pinterest via Google Images

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