My heart is yayed. As in it feels like it is beating in a more healthy way, closer to the way it used to. (Tachycardia free.) I also feel a sort of relief, like after crying about something that has been bothering you for a long time. I didn’t know that I was this passionate about playing the piano.

Though I never considered this an option (but now – free of criticism influencing my perception – I’m wondering why), I suddenly envision myself living the life of a solo internationally performing pianist. The clothes I could be wearing. <3_<3 The baths I could be taking. <3_<3

But I don’t see myself make it through a conservatory music program with my heart in one piece. Most people who go there want to become big solo artists, but less than a handful actually make it. Such a competitive environment. Also my preference goes out to playing what sounds good to me and not playing exactly what the sheet music says, and whether that is accepted or not entirely depends on the person who is given the educational authority to judge it. I prefer diversifying into a niche over competing, which is always my strife, but to depend on the acceptance thereof does not guarantee anything. Even in competition, that is. (So my aim was to get a degree, for some sort of economic guarantee. But even degrees don’t really mean anything anymore. (As in now you need a degree to manage a business its social media account, which could also be done by a 12-year-old.))

I really feel like being on my Nero shxt (unlimited power, making music, kissyfest), to be honest. Because in terms of economic vision I still consider myself crucial for the long term. But as long as other people don’t, I’ll be eating popcorn. Or plantain chips.

So I’ll be practicing L’Orage today, by Friedrich Bürgmuller. Yesterday I mentioned that I prefer playing pieces with a more “war propaganda” kind of “vibe” (synonym please) instead of ones with a “reminiscing about my deceased lover” one. L’Orage has exactly what I need. It’s extremely satisfying to play.

Though in terms of force I’m still getting used to this piano, I can already play half the first page from memory and the entire first page (of two) with some reading. That is, though I sort of used to be able to play this years ago, a pace of progress that is very surprising to me. I can also (still) play Arabesque.

There are also some other things I wanted to mention but eh… I’m going to do one more round of practice and then I’m going to sleep (after some exercise¿). Good night liefjeee. <3

01:15 (AM) CET

With the people I’ve drafted this far, by the way, we could form one sick a$$ orchestra. The future of music. :p

01:20 (AM) CET

I can’t sleeeppp. I practiced L’Orage for a while, then played some other things, then did some exercises, then showered (quite the gletsjer I was shaving my armpits), then tried to sleep for quite some hours. But I just want to continue practicing. But I need sleep? I can’t sleep though.

So I spent some time going through my apps, sort of in dubio. I’ve been doing quite the next level politics detox, but decided to watch a Timcast video:

Ahahahaha I must say Tim’s choreography ideas would quite very likely do very well on TikTok. I’ve been propagating for serious political reform, but maybe we should learn from this disease that is viral dance trends. Maybe we should make music together, in the name of healing and togetherness.

Tim can play the guitar in my orchestra. :p Also, I was thinking, if Don’t Come Out The House were performed with an orchestra, I’d like to be the conductor, and have the pianos be played by my Pokemanz, a.k.a. Catthierry and MarCatje. My baby could do background chords here. <3_<3

The only popular internet pianist I find good, by the way, is “Rousseau”. Almost everyone else plays with zero expressionate dynamics. I also want to be able to play La Campanella. 3:

Yesterday, by the way, I watched Emma Chamberlain’s most recent video and she mentioned that going on a first date sounds like an awful thing to do. And, though I basically consider George an exception, I couldn’t relate to anything more. I can’t imagine meeting new people online right now and going on a date with them. My crippling disinterest in anything that becomes a groupthink subject would make the experience of a first date horrible for me and whoever ends up being my date.

If it were for the connection in conversation, people wouldn’t even want to talk to me because we’re totally different people. But somehow people find me physically attractive and then get carried away with the illusion that I like them while I’m just being polite. George is an exception because he and I do actually have mutual interests. (I’m mentioning him because I guess we went on a date¿ (And then there’s my ex I went on a date with but I didn’t meet him online, so the ice was already very much broken.))

I’m going to make pourridge.

07:07 (AM) CET

Ahahaha we really need to have a therapeutic conversation about our first date. </3 Ahahaha I always often used to wear formal dresses and button-ups to school and he always wore sweaters, so for our hangout – like I thought we were just going to chill but I was low-key in love with him – I bought a new sweater for the occasion. And then when we decided on the spot to go to La Place, I saw that he was wearing a button-up. </3

So I was already like “oh shxttt” on the inside. And I was nervous for this kusje. Because I wanted this kusje, like I imagined us playing video games in a cuddle and playing tennis together and shxt, but I was extremely nervous, enhanced by my clothing being way off. Everything I did was like: “HAHA I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING” and I was swearing uncontrollably because of it. Which is a contributing factor that would make the consideration to do it again very unlikely.

(Also he was in his first year of university and I still had two years of high school left.) And then at some point after that I texted him that I was into him or something. And then there was that point where my response should be okay let’s just be friends then, but, just like with Bart, I want these kusjes, so I couldn’t. And then, like things couldn’t get any worse, I went clubbing-ish with people from school and as we were searching for a spot to settle for dancing, they were like “let’s go there” and exactly there I saw him making out with this girl who became his girlfriend later. </3 Ahahaha I told the people I was with “No, we’re going elsewhere,” and then later explained why (because I wasn’t that close with the people with whom I went out that night). Ahahahah my lifeee. </3

Ahahaha we have sooo much in common. Both these giant crushes of mine. Sports, language, music, politics, strongly disliking people who stare and whisper, WordPress… We should Kissyfest. :p Haha I’m still proud that my first date was handsome as hell.

Also, if George had never mentioned that the definition of PR is PR, I would have named my service differently. Like representation strategy communication ahahahahaha I was young and wildcatty okay. x_x

Ahahaha I remember this banger was playing when my chest muscles were torn apart:

Ahahahaha </3

09:08 (AM) CET

Time to warm up my hands… 😀

09:10 (AM) CET

Ahahaha my metronome is killing me. Nap timeee. x

10:00 (AM) CET

I’ve gotten a request for more practice viddyays, so I’m getting my stuff ready. 😀

17:10 (05:10 PM) CET

22:02 (10:02 PM) CET