Haha I think my main course will be done in about 15 minutes. I’ve made juice, my cranberry sauce is simmering and the remainder of my chicken is in the oven.

I had to pour the juice from the measuring cup to the bowl and in reverse a couple of times to get everything mixed up well. The puddle in my sink comes from rinsing the measuring cup. The pulp that is in the strainer I throw in the trash (I put all of the waste (that is pulp, orange skins and strawberry tops) in a freezer bag and then throw it into the trash to prevent my trash bag from getting smelly… Shout out to my mother for that tip).

I added a dash of cayenne pepper, a dash of nutmeg and two cloves (kruidnagelen) for a taste accent, later some corn starch slurry for it to thicken and I’ve added some red wine because I thought the color was very off. It tastes great. <3_<3

01:50 (AM) CET

02:15 (AM) CET

As you may have noticed, though the Lonelymeals have passed, and though I’ll likely be playing the piano all day today, this post is not titled with something that indicates that I’ll make another extensive practice tutorial. That’s because I really don’t feel like it. As in I don’t feel like recording my further progress at all anymore.

As I have mentioned a zillion times throughout my diary, likely way more people see my content than my statistics indicate. But given that those are then low-key views: fuck you. I said that I was going to make more videos, but I won’t. It’s not like anyone is telling me that they’re following them, so you fake followers can enjoy the sound of my silence.

I criticize myself because I know I can do much better and I strive for that level where I have nothing left to criticize myself for. It’s a matter of getting back in shape and pushing harder this time. As for everyone else who has ever criticized the way I play: I know you do that simply because your life fxcking sucks. Even most professionals can’t do what I can do dynamically. You’re simply projecting the fact that you’re a talentless fxck who will never be able to accomplish what I am able to accomplish. I hate that I may not kill you. I reallyyy can’t stand people who criticize things they cannot do themselves.

Jealousy is a dangerous thing. Instead of shunning independent thinkers, society would be much better off if jealous people would be shunned. Because, speaking of experience, for the sake of the course of your own life, it is safest to stay far away from talentless people, because all they are is jealous of you. They attempt to lift along on your success, as long as you are useful, never express their true admiration for you, feel satisfaction when you suffer and are lying every single time they say they love you. They don’t love you, they just wish that they had your talent and being near you is the closest they can get to that (whilst trying to crawl into your skin, mentally if not physically).

I know what it’s like to be under constant emotional and even physical attack by jealous people. (Did you know most people hate hearing a black person ace playing classical music?) It is why I keep my eyes wide open in search of other victims. Mijn liefjes, who know very well what it’s like to be neglected. I send kusjes, but honestly I don’t fxcking understand why they keep being around the fxcking people they’re around. Like do it for yourself if you’re not doing it for me. :p Again, we should form an alliance.

Anyway, I think I’m going to go to bed, if I’m not going to play the piano¿ Good nighttt x

03:50 (AM) CET

It’s rainy and windy outside, which makes the perfect setting for practice. <3_<3

I am, by the way, of course still very passionate about sharing my thoughts and suggestions, but I will refrain from exposing that same information to people who it will just make even more bitter than usual. An environment in which all support, even with its corrective suggestions, is positive and loving is the only type of audience someone should have. (There is, especially if it only makes you do what others want, nothing healthy about exposing yourself to a toxic audience (even when they call themselves your fans (though anyone who talks down on you is not a fan)).)

Not saying that aside from some very weak undercover shots I get nothing in comparison to the hate I used to get when I still had a social life. The only thing that makes me feel very strong aggression is that people think the hate they give me does anything to me. It makes me aggressively want to say: “You have no idea how much I don’t give a fuck. Like how dare you think I even care about this?”

In the end all that matters is being true to yourself. That there are no mistakes and regret that torment your heart. That when looking at yourself in the mirror, you see someone you love very dearly. (One of) your best friend(s) ever, is who you should feel you see when you look at yourself in the mirror, because all that is certain in life is that you have yourself.

13:33 (01:33 PM) CET

Criticizing someone itself is not wrong, by the way. Whether it is good or bad depends on the way in which it is done. If it does not make clear based on what principle it is considered bad, it is illegitimate criticism. (Words that are 100% better left unspoken.) If someone’s criticism/feedback does not make clear what should have been done differently in order to get a “perfect score” and why, then it’s better to just ignore it.

If I’d have to put all pianos I have ever owned in my life into an order of preference, for example, from worst to best, I’d say Czerny, then Oostendorp and then Yamaha. They are all very decent pianos, in the sense that they do what they have to do mechanically, they all allow for some dynamics and their sound all have a certain level of warmness to them I like. (Though warm/not warm is something extremely subjective.)

I’m putting Czerny last, mainly because it doesn’t allow for dynamic chord repetition when using the right pedal. As in when using the pedal and pressing one chord repeatedly, dynamically, let’s say in a crescendo or in a rhythm where it is pressed six times and has an accent on the fourth, the dynamics are not heard. It all sounds the same. (That was when talk of a better piano started for me.) It also has two pedals instead of three, but the middle pedal, called the “training pedal”, I believe, I’ve never used in my entire existence, so it wasn’t something I missed, but it does influence it’s completeness or “totalness”. Two defining plus sides of that piano, though, were that it was a relatively very affordable one and that it had a very iconic warm sound.

Then Oostendorp on second place, because, though it is very much like an actual piano, a very good one even (I could even say a digitized version of what the Yamaha piano is able to do), I need the force related physics to really play at my personal best. In contrast to the Czerny, this one does allow for dynamic chord repetition. Its up and downsides are that it does what its “artificial intelligence” allows for it to do. So for basically most compositions ever created, it will suffice. But when it comes to the difference between loud and soft, for example, the loudest is what is programmed to be its loudest. As in electronically, there is a point where it is programmed to be like “this is where I am at its loudest” based on a certain amount of force, but that does not have to be the most amount of force of the person who is playing it. (Which could be solved by further advancing “artificial intelligence”.) The process of acquainting with this piano is different from acquainting with an acoustic piano. But, especially because I have neighbors and because I like playing at night, this is the best piano I could have wished for given where I’m staying. I also love that it’s hand-crafted by Oostendorp itself.

Then the Yamaha U3 ranks #1 for me, because it is a piano created for top-level performance. (It does everything a good stage vleugel piano (pianoforte¿ (though that is also a dynamics term) fortepiano¿) would do as well, basically. Not saying that I have much experience playing on that, but for giving an impression of professionality.) So it, for example, in contrast with my #2, is at it loudest for me when I am using the most amount of force I am able to use. (Though I’m usually only comfortable playing with so much force when I’m alone.) Also, when I’m improvising, there is this point where I get my snares very warmed up and don’t let go of the right pedal, and then based on dynamics I can distinguish accents from the rest of the harmony. Another thing that artificial intelligence does not do (yet). And then there is the silent play system that allows me to play at night and there is even a midi port which allows to connect the piano to a computer. It’s what I would recommend to any “hobby professional” and any professional/performance location on a very good but not the best of the best of the best (otherwise I’d advise a less mass production type of piano) kind of level, if he/she doesn’t live in an apartment building.

16:15 (04:15 PM) CET

Haha did you know that I realized how much I know about pianos just a few days ago…?

16:31 (04:31 PM) CET

Dynamically, you can hear my trauma surface of being “lovingly” scolded every time when playing a wrong note so playing everything hesitantly. Overall it’s a project I’ll keep working on. I’d love for the end result to be with an orchestra with two pianos (one using pedal, one using no pedal) and the producer himself. But I love being off the grid so much, without having to hear unrequested illegitimate criticism.

17:40 (05:40 PM) CET

That piece of practice I played on Twitter

It ia from this book that has fragments of (popular, challenging) classical music in it for technique practice.

18:14 (06:14 PM) CET

18:35 (06:35 PM) CET

What is most fun/challenging about the piece is that your right hand has to function the way your left hand usually would and your left hand has to function the way your right hand usually would.

18:45 (06:45 PM) CET

I love this technique where your left hand plays bass and melody by moving over your right hand that just plays sort of ambience chords. But I can’t practice this anymore because it depresses me. If you know any pieces with this same technique but one that more sounds like “war propaganda” (sort of like in Tarantella) instead of “reminiscing about my deceased lover”, then please let me know.

18:58 (06:58 PM) CET

When performing this, I felt myself already struggling way at the beginning, like “I’m not gonna make it.” So after playing the beginnig already I just got up and left.

19:14 (07:14 PM) CET

My current focus, though, is on Orage. I’m starting to get the hang of the first part.

20:07 (08:07 PM) CET

I think “the first rectangle” of Orage sounds way better without a pedal, by the way. It gives the pedal in “the second rectangle” also a lot more effect.

I’ll keep focusing on Orage. I think for Don’t Come Out The House it can only end up sounding as layered with an extra pair of hands. Perhaps my sister would like to help me out¿

21:03 (09:03 PM) CET

I finally got to the dessert I’ve been postponing for 2 days.

21:26 (09:26 PM) CET

Vote¿ Shall I train my ringvinger (annulary¿) or shall I “cheat” and guarantee myself consistent dynamics?

22:22 (10:22 PM) CET

Ahaha my hairy hands. 🙁

22:25 (10:25 PM) CET

I have decided on training my ring finger. It’s going quite all right. I almost feel like making another extensive tutorial… 🙁 But I don’t think I will.

23:33 (11:33 PM) CET