Back to Something

Remember when I used to write in all caps about my worries about the flood, “back in my LilFangs.com days”? An exclamation of how helpless I felt back then. I was alone in my concerns then and I’m glad to literally be alone in my concerns now. I’m glad I don’t care anymore about the people I used to care about. Because I would have tried to shelter them all in my apartment and that would have been too draining to myself. In such a life or death situation it is essential to abstain from useless people.

I remember that I entered my mode of reasoning because of the growing awareness of the threat of nature. I’m back to having it on my mind again constantly. 2020 must be “the worst year ever” in terms of the wrecking of the quality of life by governments and their external organizations, so I’m expecting it to happen somewhere this year. That is within 4 months.

I used to be so extremely stressed that the pain that stress used to bring used to make me think that I was terminally ill. Mainly because at some point in time there would be millions of people fighting for their lives in an attempt to make it to dry land, where I used to be at. I think the people over there are so mean to each other because of their (subconscious) awareness that one day they might try to kill each other in an attempt to survive.

I’m almost at peace with it. But definitely at peace with the idea of persisting my fight in keeping away from those people for the rest of my life.

11:43 (AM) CEST

Hopefully I’ll never be in the situation where people threatingly ask me what I’m doing here, though. Because I literally have no answer to that.

I have three empty canvases and didn’t know what to do with it. But watching Felix build a gundam I’m thinking of making my own maquette of what I think a city’s infrastructure should look like. Some new entertainment. πŸ™‚

But first my chores ughh.

12:01 (PM) CEST

In regard to my maquette city (just thinking of the sketch while I do my things): I want to have a beach, but not have to worry about it flooding. Since the Earth is transitioning from ice age to tropical age: will all ice melt? Because if yes there would be a lot less worry about rising sea levels. Because then it has risen to its maximum and it will not rise any further.

By the way, I find it remarkable that the scientists reporting on rising sea levels are not from the Netherlands (or Belgium).

12:43 (PM) CEST

The city will include a giant statue of myself, of course. :p I always wanted to make maquettes as a child.

13:47 (01:47 PM) CEST

Meanwhile all my electronic devices are so old that I’m charging constantly.

15:40 (03:40 PM) CEST

Coming home and entering nudist mode instantly is one of the most relaxing/liberating things I do.

I’ve vacuum cleaned, marinaded meat, done laundry and gone grocery shopping (including buying paper and a glue stick for my maquette πŸ™‚ ). Mopping the floor was another task on the list, but I’m quite tired now so I’ll postpone that to tomorrow.

I’m not hungry at all now because I ate half an oven dish of moussaka for lunch, and also too much out of energy to start sketching my maquette, so I’m chilling in bed. I wonder if we’ll ever casually be nudist chilling. Or semi-nudist I guess because I do always keep my panties on to prevent from making my furniture moist. :p

I cringe at how I used to glorify sex. Quite puberty-ish. Also not well explained. People used to ask me why I’m single. The question could also be asked the other way around: why are people in relationships? Do they really love each other? When was their last genuinely loving conversation? If love happens to come around, it does. To actively look for it is a recipe for toxicity. Developing oneself is far more important than developing relationships.

18:27 (06:27 PM) CEST

On unless we’re going to do wellness stuff, like steam bathing. Then I do prefer being fully nude. Going to a public nudist wellness center is one of the most liberal things I’ve ever done haha.

18:51 (06:51 PM) CEST

I almost want to say vote: should the new world have public wellness centers? Or should all housing facilities be forseen with private wellness rooms?

18:57 (06:57 PM) CEST

All my buildings will be comfortable for Titans. πŸ™‚

19:08 (07:08 PM) CEST

Because of my pet Titan. *cat heart eyes*

Also, I’m wondering if it’s possible to keep soil fertile without things getting smelly? Because practically speaking having a vegetable farm next door is convenient, but I’d rather not have the smelliness. There will be a forest with animals.

19:45 (07:45 PM) CEST

My online presence is – how unorthodox – a mix of the utmost personal and the utmost professional. Of literally no one else who is trying to take over your life do you know so many personal things.

Every time I share something personal, though, I feel like I’m doing something bad. Even though I respect my feelings regardless of what they are. Because I heavily internalize judgment, it feels uncomfortable to share. But I’m starting to care about both direct and indirect judgment less and less. I should have shared more about my internal developments of the last few months. I hope to be able to share some tips and tricks when I figure out how I’ve progressed in my stoicness. (The first step is realizing that it’s stoicness. :p Or stoicityΒΏ)

I’m saying this because again life is testing me right now. These things that happen that make me feel the worst of emotions. I want to stop feeling the pain I feel when I am exposed to evil. To stop the cause of the exposure would make me do something illegal.

I feel a crescendo of pain and must clench it now before it gets worse. Partially I have no choice but to ignore it because the law does not make certain distinguishments against evil. I’d be evil in the eyes of the law if I would solve this problem. So I’m going to get cooking and monitor my thought process so I can share with you.

20:51 (08:51 PM) CEST

I’ll be eating tomato soup, grilled lamb and witlof. The soup needs to boil for a while and the cooking time of the rest is very short so I have some time to write.

Honestly, I’ve gone through this feeling so frequently that it doesn’t last that long anymore. The phases used to be predictable (strong emotional feelings –> rationalization –> acceptance/positive inheritance) and now I go through them so fast that they are barely phases. Also I have sooo many inside jokes with myself that I don’t stay sad and/or angry for long.

21:50 (09:50 PM) CEST

Heatwaves could be solved by speeding up certain natural processes… πŸ˜€ I don’t understand why people prefer the suspense.

22:28 (10:28 PM) CEST

I’ve made a “mood board” for my maquette.

23:05 (11:05 PM) CEST

This has also been added to it. πŸ™‚

This will take me quite a while to finish and I’m very happy about having a real reason to leave my bed again. πŸ™‚

This is a very rough sketch.

1) Palace

2) School/university

3) Restaurant

4) Theater

5) Shops (clothing, tools, electronics, …)

6) Homes (vrijstaand)

7) Theme park

8) Farm

9) Forum

10) Animal farm

11) Vegetable farm

12) Forest

13) Garden

14) Submarine cruise ship

But I’m going to switch around the locations of the farm and the theme park for noise reasons haha… Though it’s a lot of things crammed into one space for now.

Now I’m writing down what features I want to give the items. (To make sure that I keep things varied and don’t come up with something better after I’ve started making it.) Then I’ll make sketches of the individual items, then another skecth of the map, then I’ll start measuring things and drawing my maquette, painting the ground canvases and cutting and glueing. πŸ™‚

Because never ambush of kusjes? πŸ™

23:45 (11:45 PM) CEST

I’m also adding a fort-style wall between the farms and the palace. And a farm house. πŸ™‚ And an outdoor lecture space over in zone 2. πŸ™‚

23:59 (11:59 PM) CEST

Featured image by Hoang Loc from Pexels.

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